I am having a hard day. I have quite a bit of osteoarthritis in my knees and lumbar (spinal) region. It has gotten to a point that movement isn’t really a thing for me.

• Bending hurts.
• Being upright hurts.
• Standing hurts.
• Sitting for too long hurts.
• Walking hurts.
• My back and knees lock up and, yes, they have given out on occasion when I get up after sleeping.
• I often have to sit on the bed to ready myself to move.

If this list just motivated you to never become morbidly obese, I am grateful. If my suffering helps even one person realize the consequences of my life-long decisions and change their direction in life, I am grateful.

I won’t get into the deeper specifics of the information shared with me today but I can tell you that I cannot take NSAIDs. I cannot take muscle relaxers. I have conditions that eliminate those options. I do not qualify for medication with an opioid in them.

This leaves me with OTC Tylenol and Diclofenac pain cream that does contain NSAIDs but is less triggering to my health issue than taking it orally.

I can assure you that the cream is very mild in effectiveness and Tylenol leaves me wondering why I wasted my money.

I sat with my doctor today and cried because the pain is so intense with the use of Tylenol as a pain reliever, that I cannot bear it anymore.

Turns out, I have no choice but to deal with it. There is a possibility of another ablation in my future, I had one done in the past but the placement was a little lower than where this pain is being triggered from. However, that is at least six months out.

I work very hard to be as positive with myself as I can. However, this amount of pain really draws away what little energy I have left after my general health struggles.

I promise you this is not a cry for help. It is simply an expression. It is an expression of frustration and disappointment in myself.

In my early to mid 30s, I ended up losing around 200lbs, a whole overweight adult, using a healthier eating strategy.

I gained most of it back in a year. I went through a deep mental struggle and lost my grasp on my physical well-being.

I have not been able to get to the point where I was mentally and physically successful in weight loss again.

I know something has to change. I have the appointments set up for weight loss assistance already. What I am not sure of is whether I am mentally prepared to work that hard again when it was so easy to fail after such success.

I am learning to love myself more than ever. I love the people I surround myself with. I have a happy life and normal stressors. I have some emotional work to do but, trust me, I am not the woman I was at that time of my life. My mental strength is much more grounded. I started that original loss at the same time as trying to build a tougher mental base.

My boyfriend told me, “You do not fail until you stop trying,” and the logical side of my brain cannot dispute this fact.

I gave up before and didn’t try to pick myself back up. By the time I did try again, I was discouraged because of the original perception of failure.

So, will I actually be a failure if I have ups and downs during my journey? Or, am I only a failure once I stop trying to work at it?

I think I know the answer.

Thank you for reading along as I work through some of my problems. I appreciate those of you who have come here through the writing prompts and stay for more.