I see this AI-generated image and it could represent two different perspectives.

A Storm is Rolling in

Really, it looks like the world is going dark (the intent of this post). It looks like a storm is rolling in, swallowing the sun, and about to pour down on the world.

The Sun is Breaking Through

On the flip side, the optimist in me is seeing the sun fight back against the dark clouds. Despite the impending storm, the sun is trying to break through and fend off all the darkness.

The Point?

Who knew a single image to represent what was supposed to be self-doubt would speak so many volumes?! It put my entire mindset into perspective. An AI-generated image at that!

It says so much about my mental growth over the years. My mind has learned to pilot itself to see the good, even if I am not feeling good. I am proud of this aspect of myself and needed to share before I got into the meat of this post.

It is a little scary and it is new enough to feel like optimism of any kind is a fake response. Yet, I am proud that I have learned to look at things differently. Even if I feel a little dark. Impressive.

Swimming in Complex Emotions

This image has way too many happy faces in it for me to say it is accurate, but it does represent the sheer number of feelings I have flowing through me right now.

I’m feeling exceptionally tired. Tired of putting in efforts where they feel fruitless. Tired of smiling. Tired of pretending that it is ok when my needs are considered to be less important than others. I’m feeling an overall saltiness.

I am over-seasoned, thank you very much.

I won’t lie. I think this is a hormonal issue today. I need to just pay the woman so she will stop moaning and move along. (Get it? Whore-Moan? Sigh. Don’t explain the joke, Angela…)

Sometimes I forget that this is exactly why I started a personal blog, though. I want to talk when I need to talk. After all, this is the exact process that helps pull me through some of those harder struggles I face. It is a coping mechanism that works exceptionally well for me.

I took a nap of champions earlier…

I didn’t want to put up with life anymore, so I fell asleep around 11 am and did not bother to function again until 2 pm. Every time I briefly woke up and considered getting up, I decided against it. I was just that done with reality!

I’ve been looking at opportunities using my degree…

My choice to consider working in a field using my business degree, knowledge, and experience is very powerful! The pay rate for people with my knowledge and experience is quite reasonable. I love that I am smart and capable.

As someone who does not like high stress, I never found that kind of work stressful. It felt like home to be able to manage all those things, keep up the calendar of professionals (especially my own), and make sure I have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed. It is satisfying.

I am someone who feels completely satisfied by an extreme organizational approach and pulling together all the necessities into a well-adjusted selection of tasks. It is nearly as satisfying as pulling the film off the screen of a brand-new phone. It just feels like everything is right and going smoothly for a perfect completion.

It also plays into my dislike of surprises because it is a disruption to that “well-oiled machine” approach I have toward creating a productive schedule.

Self-doubt creeps in…

I went through an emotional rollercoaster after my mom passed. I tried so many entry-level jobs, 98% customer service roles, just to find it so taxing. It broke down any confidence I had in myself. It also jaded my view of the general public.

People can be really… extra. See the definition of a Karen.

I do not think people really consider what happens when you have dealt with enough Karens in your life that you cannot handle the world anymore.

I used to love leaving the house, having moments of conversation with random individuals, and just practicing that social “front” of mine. I’m very introverted but the occasional interaction or positive interactions in the work force felt satisfying in other ways.

However, for every Karen, it would require 20 decent humans to make the whole situation feel less intense.

Customer service broke me but I built myself back and I don’t need as much in the way of maintaining myself through those situations. How do you build back from that professionally, though?

I may have shied away from direct interactions after a while, but I continued on by pressing myself forward. I took customer service calls from home. I started making things to sell. I decided to turn the business into a mental health forward process around a hobby many love and many others turn into their own form of business! Being stagnant was never my goal, taking the situation and pushing myself to move forward is what I wanted most.

However, with so many years of struggling to get here, that does make things a little terrifying for me. Am I capable now? Entering a role that requires those skills is the real test. Can I prove that I am there? It is hard to do without someone putting out their hand, getting to know me, and giving me that chance to show my skill. Worse yet, I am worried about disappointing them. I am especially worried about disappointing myself.

Just because I feel ready does not mean the process will be perfect. I will stumble. I will have moments where I feel a little more mental strain. It is a part of growing, though.

Staying in that comfortable box is all well and good, but you do not reach your full potential there.

At the end of the day…

Proving my skills to myself was easy. Proving those skills to the professional world is a whole different matter. The journey is just a little extra taxing today.