I said goodbye and then I started the process of growing into an adult…

Daily writing prompt

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

This is a bittersweet topic. I never wanted to lose my mom. Especially at 27. However, her passing triggered a journey that I have been on since—my mental health journey.

To understand, you need to know that we had spent since my teens just screaming at each other. My mother was devoted to her role as a parent. When I had my daughter, she became devoted to being a grandmother. What never really happened was the growth that comes with moving out on your own and learning about life with the guidance of your parents.

When my mom died, I was the breadwinner of the home. I worked a lot to support our needs and my mom stayed home with my daughter in return. However, my mom had reached a point where she was a hermit and we fought a lot.

I never doubted that she loved me though. She always had my back.

After she passed, I immediately sought help for my mental health.

I wasn’t coping at all with the loss. It was unexpected. I had to learn the lessons of adulthood long past when I should have. When I would ask for guidance because I didn’t know what I was doing beyond basic motherhood and keeping the bills paid, I mostly got the response, “It is time to grow up.”

I have been in therapy ever since she passed. I had some very rocky moments where I couldn’t cope. Thank goodness I had a therapist to explain to me the basics of handling adult responsibilities alone.

I learned that yelling is not a form of communication that needs to be used all of the time. I learned how to seek better understanding and express myself. I also learned what it took to be independent. I did what I needed to keep my daughter safe and cared for.

It also taught me what I needed, as a mother, to set my daughter out on the right foot in life so she wouldn’t have to discover adulthood after I am gone. She could learn and make mistakes with me as a safety net.

Losing my mother destroyed my soul in so many ways. I have so many regrets, but it started me down a path of better understanding and growth. I became the best mother I could be. My daughter and I have a great relationship filled with love, not yelling.

Those moments when my daughter texts me to ask a question relating to being an adult and maneuvering through life, I know I did the right thing by setting her up to succeed in her choices now.

7 responses to “I said goodbye and then I started the process of growing into an adult…”

Shel R.

March 2, 2025

I lost my mother in November 2024 – right before Thanksgiving. It was sudden as well, and we left a lot of things unsaid. She and I got along pretty well, but we still had some things to sort out, so I know exactly how you feel.
It’s almost like an unfilled void, and I think that also comes with those regrets and things that could have been handled different.
I’m right there with you, but it sounds like you learned from mistakes between you and her, and that you’ve done a great job raising your own daughter.

Grief never really goes away, but we just have to learn how to handle it better in our own ways, and no two people and their grief are the same.
You’re doing a great job. <3

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1. Angela Shupe
  
  March 6, 2025
  
  Thank you, Shel! I’m so sorry about your loss. My mother passed a couple of days before Halloween and, to this day, I go through a deep depression every year around the holidays because she was big into doing the holiday things. It feels like a shadow over the good things for that time of year. Without my daughter living at home this time of year, it felt like my purpose to celebrate even went away. It seems to get harder. She and her boyfriend did come down for Christmas, though. That helped alleviate some of that darkness over the good things.
  
  I went and saw my daughter at her house on Monday. I noticed that she apparently needed some mother/daughter time as much as I did. We ended up having some really good times and bonding. It makes me appreciate the connection we have more (and the choices I made to encourage her to become more independent).
  
  Grief really does like to turn up like a bad penny at times. Ever since I was informed that I have started perimenopause, I keep wanting to tell my mom that apparently my body has quit parenthood before 40. I just want to share thoughts and the process of aging with her. These moments are fleeting but I still, over 12 years later, have these thoughts where I want to call her and share how annoying the change of life is.
  
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  1. Shel R.
    
    March 6, 2025
    
    I am so sorry about your mother passing.
    I usually decorate for the holidays around August (I’m crazy, I know!) lol.. and my kids tell me I’m insane, but I always tell them they’re going to miss this once I’m gone, and I hope they keep that tradition alive for me.
    Your mother’s passing is sad, but have you tried to turn around the paid and sadness by decorating in her honor / memory the same way she did every year?
    Sometimes, it can help with the feelings and make you feel happier. <3
    
    I'm so happy your daughter got to visit. Is she far from you?
    Maybe she can help decorate each year like your mom used to, and that can be a new tradition between you both.
    
    I'm so proud of you for knowing what your daughter needed to become her own person and be so independent. It sounds like she's doing great because of the way she was raised. :)
    
    Believe me when I say I know the exact feeling of wanting to call mom. My own mom and I would talk about the news daily, or things we saw, heard, our lives, etc. and not being able to call her, has been really tough since she passed, so I'm right there with you on "the calls we can't make". :( I do believe in prayer though and I sometimes talk to my mom in silence and hope that somewhere in the universe or up the stars, she hears. I like to believe they can hear us, so never feel like you can't chat with her. <3
    
    Sending love your way and a big hug!
    
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    1. Angela Shupe
      
      March 7, 2025
      
      Thank you ♡ For me, the holidays were always about the ambiance and the people. That and my better half hates the holidays and doesn’t like to celebrate. I think he would have an aneurism if I were to decorate for the holidays when he is trying to forget they exist. Last year, I did make sure to talk to my daughter and we spent Christmas together. Having people I call family around me is what I want most, more than the decorations.
      
      Aub lives in Grand Rapids, which is 2 hours away. Her boyfriend’s car wasn’t doing too great in the winter, so she was waiting until the weather cleared up to drive down. My car has been acting up and I was trying to avoid long trips. However, when his car broke down and she couldn’t come down on Sunday, I spoke to my better half about it and decided to just take my car up. It ended up behaving for me. Thank goodness because we had an amazing time.
      
      I like to send some thoughts out into the universe sometimes. I’ll think about the things I would call and tell mom if I could as a form of telepathic message into the ether. On Valentine’s day, my stepmom and my father called to wish me a, “Happy Valentines Day from Mom and Dad,” and I told my best friend her ashes are likely rolling around in their box. She joked that she is surprised the whole box didn’t just fly off the shelf next to me and smack me in the head. 🤣
      
      Much love and big hugs your way, too! It took me a long time to accept the loss but, like you mentioned before, the grief stays. It just becomes manageable. Or, at least, in my experience. 🫂
      
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      1. Shel R.
        
        March 7, 2025
        
        Oh no!!! I don’t know if I could be with a man who hates the holidays. I would drive him crazy decorating as early as I do – for EVERY holiday in August. lol
        My living room is all Christmas by then. My kitchen is Halloween, and my dining room is Thanksgiving.
        After Thanksgiving – everything becomes Christmas.
        My kids thankfully go along with it and just laugh at my madness. :)
        
        CALL ME around the holidays. I’ll make you laugh, talk to you and even sing you some Christmas songs. lol I wish you lived closer.
        The number of amazing chats we could have, and the laughter would be so much fun. :)
        
        As for your mom, I thought about getting a journal recently, and when I want to call and talk to mine, just writing down the things I’d say in there, and title it all “Dear mom”.
        Maybe that will help you. Trust me, you’re not alone. <3
        LOL the V-day call – hilarious.
        
        Grief is funny thing.
        I noticed that sometimes, I'll be driving in my car and having the best day, feeling good – and the next thing I know, I'm in tears. Sometimes I'll be in tears, remember a great memory and start laughing.
        No, it doesn't go away, but yes – it does become easier to handle.
        
        Sending you lots of love and I hope you have a great weekend.
        
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      2. Angela Shupe
        
        March 7, 2025
        
        I am notorious for laughing at something when I am having problems because it is so funny but suddenly I will start sobbing uncontrollably. It is like the extreme reaction from the humor triggers the depression under it and I just cannot stop crying for quite a while after that happens. A couple days after my mom passed, I went to dinner at our favorite restaurant and took a friend. He said something hilarious and I started laughing until I couldn’t breathe and it immediately turned into hard sobbing. The same happened recently when I was super stressed. My friend sent me a funny meme and I laughed so hard that I was leaking tears when suddenly I started sobbing and couldn’t stop. It is insane!
        
        I highly recommend a Dear Mom journal. I did exactly that after she died to write messages to her and tell her how I felt about her passing. It helped a TON. Now, I am able to just think my message and I feel relief. ♡
        
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      3. Shel R.
        
        March 9, 2025
        
        I am so glad you have a journal for her. I think it’s a beautiful thing and I need to work on mine. I miss my mom so much and there’s so much I want to share with her and tell her.
        
        I know the feeling of laughing one minute and crying the next, and sometimes – it can be a healthy way to let our emotions out, so we’re not bottling everything up.
        
        Never feel bad for it or hold back, because it releases the things we can’t say or control.
        
        You got this! <3
        
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